I have been keeping written journals for over a decade now but I find when I look back on typed up entries they come out much more fluent, eloquent, thoughtful, and even more detailed. I don’t write well, physically. My hand cramps up very fast, my letters get all crowded and pushed into one another, and I cannot correct the simple mistakes I make with haste that I can on a computer. It may be time to give up material journal writing for good, it is the digital age after all.
I keep having dreams about crashing my car. Okay well I’ve had two in the past two weeks and that is a lot! The first dream I had I was driving my car when all of a sudden I began to loose control of the steering wheel and my breaks gave out. I am driving down Silverlane in East Hartford and am about to make a left hand turn when this happens. As I struggle to gain control of the car it suddenly but very smoothly turns into a bright red bicycle (my car is red) and still unable to get control it slides into and wraps around a telephone pole. “Oh no!” I cry, “My car is totaled!” Preceding this drama is a ride home in my sisters Nissan Morano while her and my brother in law Joe inform me that neither my mom or dad is going to help me find a new car this time. They tell me that I am completely on my own in figuring out how to get around or acquire a new vehicle. I feel very sad, hopeless, distressed.
The second dream occurred last night. I was driving my car on the highway (84) until I was suddenly involved in a high impact crash that totaled my car. I wasn’t hurt at all and simply stepped outside of the car and called Luc for help (very similar to my actual experience totaling my 2002 Elantra this past summer). The emphasis wasn’t on the crash because it wasn’t very dramatic but on the overwhelmed feeling of sadness about totaling my third car. He came to get me and I cried into his chest (like I had done in the real world this past summer) and he drove me to a home in the woods- seemed to be ours? It sort of resembled Tina and Igor’s home (Katy’s bro & sister-in-laws house that we had stayed at a few weeks ago). I felt incredible sadness and talked to Luc about how my parents weren’t going to help me this time, that the car was only valued at 500 dollars and that I was so broke and didn’t know what I was going to do. Jesse’s presence was felt in the dream, he had a lighter mood about him and I think he was trying to get me to drink some gin in order to feel better.
I think these dreams highlight my financial anxiety. I am in a bit of credit debt, am a victim of ID theft, and I am hardly squeaking by with my part-time job at GNC. If something big were to happen like totaling another car I would be pretty much screwed especially because it wouldn’t be worth more than 1000 dollars. Luc and I are struggling to save money and cut back on the little luxuries we afford ourselves and it has me over-doing it a little and even scolding him for getting a soda at dinner last Saturday. We both desperately want to move out. Money is a sore deity.
I am starting classes this week for Drug & Alcohol Recovery Counseling. I am very happy and excited although this is just the long beginning to a long middle and an even longer end to this academic finish. I know I will enjoy every minute of it; it is just the cost that distresses me.
