It's difficult to remind myself to live in the present moment. I always catch myself fantasizing about the future, whether it is the next year, the next month, the next day, or even the next hour. I must slow it down, breath in the moment, and feel excited right now.
I had this dream where I learned you can get anything you want as long as you commit time and energy to alluring it. A simple truth right?
I think it is so easy for us as humans or maybe even us as Americans to complicate our lives so unnecessarily, and allow our actions and thoughts to become so disconnected from our desires and needs. Sometimes all it takes is a paradigm shift in your mind to get what you want, other times its about conquering a irrational fear to take a perceived risk to get what you need.
What is stopping you from getting what you want or need out of life? What barriers or excuses or fears are getting in your way?
Sometimes, it is just reminding ourselves that we are not going to live forever that will push us. No amount of suffering is eternal, and no amount of pleasure is either. Just go for it, and go for it now.
Monday, December 20, 2010
Thursday, December 2, 2010
Kim does not celebrate birthdays, she celebrates birth weeks! Her best friend will be born on the 4th and she'll take them out dancing on the 5th, sing them a song at a dinner on the 6th, and give them a card on the 7th. Kim will post a status all week long about her beloved friend's anniversary of birth and then she'll make sure she involves the occasion in every conversation. "Yes, I'd like to order one large cheese pizza and by the way it's my friend Jessica's birthday so could you maybe deliver her one too? Thanks!"
Kim does not look like the girls on the movie screens or on the boob tube, no Kim looks like a humming bird. She's small and spazzy but can keep her smile hovering in one spot over one book, lesson, or goon for hours. I once saw her smiling at a custodian with a limp and bad odor for a good forty five minutes while he told her his hard knock life story. She was studying for a test too, it was eastern philosophy by looks of the book she had opened in front of her lap which was titled Eastern Philosophy, and she really didn't have the time to listen to him, and there I was in that library staring at the clock panicking for her, she only had a few minutes until her next class where she would take her final exam. But a few minutes later their she was hovering over that test and she might have failed it but you would have no clue. A humming bird never stops moving, it only ever hovers and their is no pause for dissapointment or sadness or even confusion, their are only moments to hover and then to move on, through life. Kim is exactly so, Kim is a hummingbird.
Kim is also a gentle, kind, and caring soul and then you get to know her. She's like a jack in the box because you sort of have to wind her up to get the big surprise which is the big personality she has hidden from the masses. After you get to know her she'll tend to exhale a lot and say things like "boy am I glad I am comfortable around you now" and then she'll pretend she is a cat and tell you she is day dreaming about what mice and cheese taste like together on whole wheat bread. Her closest friends like to share their first impressions of Kim. "I thought she was the sweetest, most innocent looking girl, offering to help me find my car in a dark parking lot after a meeting." and "I thought she was so quiet and maybe snobby." Kim always reminds her friends that if she didn't hold back during their acquaintanceship they wouldn't have stuck around for friendship. This usually causes a sea of laughter among them who then switch to exchanging antidotes of Kim's personality. "One time she convinced me she was a serious student of time travel and had decided to apply to a school in London to work with the most progressive physics teacher of our modern time." and "One time, on our way to the movies she saw a large outdoor bbq and decided to pull over and crash it, it was our dinner before the movie with a bunch of confused strangers who politely offered us food and never asked who we were." Kim is so full of energy and social creativity that these types of conversations can carry on for entire evenings, she is often discussed of as if she has died, as if the void of her mortal absence could already be anticipated, because her lively presence is so richly satisfying. In easier words, being around Kim sometimes feels like eating a large piece of your favorite holiday pie or cheesecake.
That of course is not all Kim is, but for fear of making the reader thirsty with desire to meet this Kim if the reader has not yet begun to feel such a way, I think I'll get on with it, the story that is, though I really could use the next 340 pages describing her, in case you were beginning to suspect I don't know her anymore than what I have already stated. Well, you'll see that I do, anyhow, so here it goes, I am not starting from the beginning but from a place where I think it makes the most sense.
Or maybe I will start from the beginning:
Kim does not look like the girls on the movie screens or on the boob tube, no Kim looks like a humming bird. She's small and spazzy but can keep her smile hovering in one spot over one book, lesson, or goon for hours. I once saw her smiling at a custodian with a limp and bad odor for a good forty five minutes while he told her his hard knock life story. She was studying for a test too, it was eastern philosophy by looks of the book she had opened in front of her lap which was titled Eastern Philosophy, and she really didn't have the time to listen to him, and there I was in that library staring at the clock panicking for her, she only had a few minutes until her next class where she would take her final exam. But a few minutes later their she was hovering over that test and she might have failed it but you would have no clue. A humming bird never stops moving, it only ever hovers and their is no pause for dissapointment or sadness or even confusion, their are only moments to hover and then to move on, through life. Kim is exactly so, Kim is a hummingbird.
Kim is also a gentle, kind, and caring soul and then you get to know her. She's like a jack in the box because you sort of have to wind her up to get the big surprise which is the big personality she has hidden from the masses. After you get to know her she'll tend to exhale a lot and say things like "boy am I glad I am comfortable around you now" and then she'll pretend she is a cat and tell you she is day dreaming about what mice and cheese taste like together on whole wheat bread. Her closest friends like to share their first impressions of Kim. "I thought she was the sweetest, most innocent looking girl, offering to help me find my car in a dark parking lot after a meeting." and "I thought she was so quiet and maybe snobby." Kim always reminds her friends that if she didn't hold back during their acquaintanceship they wouldn't have stuck around for friendship. This usually causes a sea of laughter among them who then switch to exchanging antidotes of Kim's personality. "One time she convinced me she was a serious student of time travel and had decided to apply to a school in London to work with the most progressive physics teacher of our modern time." and "One time, on our way to the movies she saw a large outdoor bbq and decided to pull over and crash it, it was our dinner before the movie with a bunch of confused strangers who politely offered us food and never asked who we were." Kim is so full of energy and social creativity that these types of conversations can carry on for entire evenings, she is often discussed of as if she has died, as if the void of her mortal absence could already be anticipated, because her lively presence is so richly satisfying. In easier words, being around Kim sometimes feels like eating a large piece of your favorite holiday pie or cheesecake.
That of course is not all Kim is, but for fear of making the reader thirsty with desire to meet this Kim if the reader has not yet begun to feel such a way, I think I'll get on with it, the story that is, though I really could use the next 340 pages describing her, in case you were beginning to suspect I don't know her anymore than what I have already stated. Well, you'll see that I do, anyhow, so here it goes, I am not starting from the beginning but from a place where I think it makes the most sense.
Or maybe I will start from the beginning:
Thursday, November 4, 2010
It's All in a Name
Her name was Alabama yet she was born and raised in Hebron Connecticut, and had never stepped foot outside of New England. It wasn't that her parents were from the south, or that they collected southern things, or enjoyed southern based movies, or even had any friends with southern accents. It wasn't even warm or sunny the day she was born, in fact she was born in the middle of a snow storm, and they don't even get snow in Alabama, or do they? Well anyhow, it was the nonsensical name they dubbed this poor infant that generated a prophecy for her to evolve into a very nonsensical girl. It was at 5 months she learned to walk backwards, and it was at 9 months she learned to crawl forward. It was clear to her parents, doctors, and folks all around her that Alabama was going to become a very special person.
By the time she reached elementary school she could read and write which lead many to believe she was destined for greatness. Perhaps, some thought, she was given a name that didn't make sense, and now she was determined to make something out of herself despite it. She was possibly more eager than most to make sense out of the world around her. It was also when she entered elementary school that teachers began to prod her with questions about the origin of her name, "Alabama! What a beautiful name, were you born there? Did your parents come from there?" Or prod her with corny remarks in butchered southern drawls "Well hellllllo thur little ms. Ala bam ma, the heart of dixie! Aren't you a little spe shell garl!" Other children noticed the special attention her name awarded her and whenever a child is singled out in front of other children by an adult, what usually takes place is a lot of insult and slander to compensate for the lack of attention they are getting. So this is what happened, Alabama became the number one target for irrational or some might say nonsensical bullying my Jonathans, Jessicas, and Roberts. They called her ugly, though she was actually quite handsome, they called her a big fat cow, though she was quite petite, and they even called her a sissy pissy pants because eventually the torment got so incredibly scary it caused her to wet her pants with anxiety whenever a Jess, Jon, or Rob came her way at Recess.
So you may begin to wonder if Alabama continued to excel academically despite such social hardships, and you may be wrong if you think this tough little cookie couldn't handle a little bullying. After teachers recognized her advanced reading and writing skills they bumped her along through elementary school in half the pace of most children. Without many friends to distract her from her studies, she quickly mastered basic math functions and was ready to move on to high school before the age of 11.
Alabama's first year of high school went swimmingly, she hardly noticed other students and concentrated on her academics which landed her into advanced college credited classes in her sophomore year. It was right around this time, whether it be the pressure of challenging work at such a young age, or the sprouting of pubic hairs, and racing hormones, but our pour Alabama began to feel very uncomfortable in her own skin. Turning a deaf ear to other students since her bullied days, she was too socially awkward and unprepared to make the girlfriends she needed for this emotionally difficult and undefinable time in her life. She was however, able to strike an acquaintanceship with a young man named Ocean, after he leaned over to her in Calculus 101 on a Tuesday and asked her tutor him that following Wednesday afternoon. During their fourth tutoring session he asked the inevitable questions about her name which lead her to act out a surprising drama of anger and disgust in which she told him: "I didn't pick this goddamn name, and I sure as hell don't know why my fucken parents did! Why don't you come over and fucken ask THEM!" To which Ocean calmly and coolly replied, "So your inviting me over?" After all, he was a 15 year old teenager with raging hormones of his own.
So Alabama invited Ocean over and their acquaintanceship skipped friendship and quickly progressed into, well, sex. That's right, pour 13 year old Alabama, all she had to hear was Ocean's own pathetic story of how embarrassed he was of his own name and she unzipped her pants. The truth was Ocean never was ridiculed for his name. It just so happened that during the time he was in elementary school a very popular super hero named "Ocean Brights" was the star of all his friend's imaginations. "Ocean Brights" had his own television show, action figure, wardrobe, and birthday party themes. So it just so happened that Ocean was destined for popularity by association of a popular kid's superhero figure. Ocean was proud of his name; showing off his dimples during every first day of class, charmingly, yet purposely reluctantly disclosing that his name was "like that superhero we were all obsessed with as kids, Ocean" So you may be developing the picture, that this Ocean guy wasn't going to turn into Alabama's boyfriend and your picture would be right. After their third romp Alabama told Ocean she loved him for exactly who he was, and he told her it wasn't going to work out. The next day Alabama stopped eating and Ocean dropped out of her Calculus class and began dating a senior.
The next few years were turbulent, her school grades began to plummet and as I stated earlier, she stopped eating which forced her to spend some time in an Eating Disorder unit of her local hospital for a few years off and on. By the time she had become stable enough to return to high school, she had reached her senior year and the rest of the kids she had left behind in elementary school had caught up. All of them remembered her, who could forget a name like Alabama? No longer a gifted student, Alabama spent her last year taking average level classes and smoking pot after school with a freshmen boy named Leroy.
Alabama managed to graduate but never applied to college. She packed up her childhood room, donated everything to Goodwill, and moved into her parent's basement which had it's own private door and a half finished bathroom. She dated a guy at the door of a local pub and began spending her nights there, collecting friends with drugs and no inhibition to judge her. Eventually she moved out of her parent's bedroom with that bouncer from the pub, he got her a job as a waitress and she made pretty good tips on the weekends.
One night a friend of there's introduced her to heroin, it made her feel so good she didn't want to eat, which was perfect because even though she had been given a clean bill of health from the hospital years prior, she had never fully gotten over her distorted body image issues. So she stopped eating again, and the bouncer boyfriend grew angry and he had issues of his own, so he began to hit her. But she didn't snap out of it, she grew sick and thin, and bruised, and then she didn't ask for help, and neither did the bouncer boyfriend because he didn't want to be sent to jail for domestic abuse.
What about the parents who gave her the name? I forgot to mention a long time ago that when Alabama was 9 her mother found 32 erotic email exchanges between her father and a woman named Gloria. Instead of confronting him, her mother decided to launch her own very loud affair with her barley legal personal trainer. It wasn't until her mother unexpectedly dropped by Alabama's apartment on a Sunday morning to announce that she was divorcing her father that she found Alabama sitting in a pile of cereal on the kitchen floor with a needle sticking out of her right arm, a bottle of gin clenched in her left hand, and her eyes rolled back into her head, that she got the help she needed. She had overdosed and would have died right there surrounded by lucky charms and split milk if it wasn't for the curtain closing on her parent's marriage.
Alabama was admitted to an intensive inpatient drug and alcohol rehabilitation program which specialized in women with eating disorders. She was granted extended stay after 90 days and left 6 months later a new woman. Equipped with new coping skills, appropriate doctor prescribed psychotropic medication, and a new outlook on life, she marched down to the town hall and changed her first name to Jessica. She then began to write a memoir documenting her struggles with bullying, drugs, eating disorders, and abuse. Her book was recognized as a best seller, making her enough money to pursue college at last and eventually become an AA-going, healthy 138 lb English professor. During holiday break one year she was invited to a literary convention for progressive English professors, but quickly declined the RSVP which happened to be addressed from Montgomery.
By the time she reached elementary school she could read and write which lead many to believe she was destined for greatness. Perhaps, some thought, she was given a name that didn't make sense, and now she was determined to make something out of herself despite it. She was possibly more eager than most to make sense out of the world around her. It was also when she entered elementary school that teachers began to prod her with questions about the origin of her name, "Alabama! What a beautiful name, were you born there? Did your parents come from there?" Or prod her with corny remarks in butchered southern drawls "Well hellllllo thur little ms. Ala bam ma, the heart of dixie! Aren't you a little spe shell garl!" Other children noticed the special attention her name awarded her and whenever a child is singled out in front of other children by an adult, what usually takes place is a lot of insult and slander to compensate for the lack of attention they are getting. So this is what happened, Alabama became the number one target for irrational or some might say nonsensical bullying my Jonathans, Jessicas, and Roberts. They called her ugly, though she was actually quite handsome, they called her a big fat cow, though she was quite petite, and they even called her a sissy pissy pants because eventually the torment got so incredibly scary it caused her to wet her pants with anxiety whenever a Jess, Jon, or Rob came her way at Recess.
So you may begin to wonder if Alabama continued to excel academically despite such social hardships, and you may be wrong if you think this tough little cookie couldn't handle a little bullying. After teachers recognized her advanced reading and writing skills they bumped her along through elementary school in half the pace of most children. Without many friends to distract her from her studies, she quickly mastered basic math functions and was ready to move on to high school before the age of 11.
Alabama's first year of high school went swimmingly, she hardly noticed other students and concentrated on her academics which landed her into advanced college credited classes in her sophomore year. It was right around this time, whether it be the pressure of challenging work at such a young age, or the sprouting of pubic hairs, and racing hormones, but our pour Alabama began to feel very uncomfortable in her own skin. Turning a deaf ear to other students since her bullied days, she was too socially awkward and unprepared to make the girlfriends she needed for this emotionally difficult and undefinable time in her life. She was however, able to strike an acquaintanceship with a young man named Ocean, after he leaned over to her in Calculus 101 on a Tuesday and asked her tutor him that following Wednesday afternoon. During their fourth tutoring session he asked the inevitable questions about her name which lead her to act out a surprising drama of anger and disgust in which she told him: "I didn't pick this goddamn name, and I sure as hell don't know why my fucken parents did! Why don't you come over and fucken ask THEM!" To which Ocean calmly and coolly replied, "So your inviting me over?" After all, he was a 15 year old teenager with raging hormones of his own.
So Alabama invited Ocean over and their acquaintanceship skipped friendship and quickly progressed into, well, sex. That's right, pour 13 year old Alabama, all she had to hear was Ocean's own pathetic story of how embarrassed he was of his own name and she unzipped her pants. The truth was Ocean never was ridiculed for his name. It just so happened that during the time he was in elementary school a very popular super hero named "Ocean Brights" was the star of all his friend's imaginations. "Ocean Brights" had his own television show, action figure, wardrobe, and birthday party themes. So it just so happened that Ocean was destined for popularity by association of a popular kid's superhero figure. Ocean was proud of his name; showing off his dimples during every first day of class, charmingly, yet purposely reluctantly disclosing that his name was "like that superhero we were all obsessed with as kids, Ocean" So you may be developing the picture, that this Ocean guy wasn't going to turn into Alabama's boyfriend and your picture would be right. After their third romp Alabama told Ocean she loved him for exactly who he was, and he told her it wasn't going to work out. The next day Alabama stopped eating and Ocean dropped out of her Calculus class and began dating a senior.
The next few years were turbulent, her school grades began to plummet and as I stated earlier, she stopped eating which forced her to spend some time in an Eating Disorder unit of her local hospital for a few years off and on. By the time she had become stable enough to return to high school, she had reached her senior year and the rest of the kids she had left behind in elementary school had caught up. All of them remembered her, who could forget a name like Alabama? No longer a gifted student, Alabama spent her last year taking average level classes and smoking pot after school with a freshmen boy named Leroy.
Alabama managed to graduate but never applied to college. She packed up her childhood room, donated everything to Goodwill, and moved into her parent's basement which had it's own private door and a half finished bathroom. She dated a guy at the door of a local pub and began spending her nights there, collecting friends with drugs and no inhibition to judge her. Eventually she moved out of her parent's bedroom with that bouncer from the pub, he got her a job as a waitress and she made pretty good tips on the weekends.
One night a friend of there's introduced her to heroin, it made her feel so good she didn't want to eat, which was perfect because even though she had been given a clean bill of health from the hospital years prior, she had never fully gotten over her distorted body image issues. So she stopped eating again, and the bouncer boyfriend grew angry and he had issues of his own, so he began to hit her. But she didn't snap out of it, she grew sick and thin, and bruised, and then she didn't ask for help, and neither did the bouncer boyfriend because he didn't want to be sent to jail for domestic abuse.
What about the parents who gave her the name? I forgot to mention a long time ago that when Alabama was 9 her mother found 32 erotic email exchanges between her father and a woman named Gloria. Instead of confronting him, her mother decided to launch her own very loud affair with her barley legal personal trainer. It wasn't until her mother unexpectedly dropped by Alabama's apartment on a Sunday morning to announce that she was divorcing her father that she found Alabama sitting in a pile of cereal on the kitchen floor with a needle sticking out of her right arm, a bottle of gin clenched in her left hand, and her eyes rolled back into her head, that she got the help she needed. She had overdosed and would have died right there surrounded by lucky charms and split milk if it wasn't for the curtain closing on her parent's marriage.
Alabama was admitted to an intensive inpatient drug and alcohol rehabilitation program which specialized in women with eating disorders. She was granted extended stay after 90 days and left 6 months later a new woman. Equipped with new coping skills, appropriate doctor prescribed psychotropic medication, and a new outlook on life, she marched down to the town hall and changed her first name to Jessica. She then began to write a memoir documenting her struggles with bullying, drugs, eating disorders, and abuse. Her book was recognized as a best seller, making her enough money to pursue college at last and eventually become an AA-going, healthy 138 lb English professor. During holiday break one year she was invited to a literary convention for progressive English professors, but quickly declined the RSVP which happened to be addressed from Montgomery.
Wednesday, October 27, 2010
The Weather has Been Strangely Warm
I have been spending a lot of time with the friends I have made in Drug and Alcohol classes at MCC. All of them are in Recovery; They are rich individuals with stories for days that are better than any book or movie I have yet to come across. They are enlightened folks too, who have walked with hell and came back to pass on the message that it exists. They can laugh real hard from their bellies and through their soul because they have suffered from there too. I feel privileged when they invite me to sit in on their world, when they let me hang around them.
I applied to a dream job in New York City a week ago. It is a job working for a health magazine as a social media strategist. I am completely qualified for the job, it is what my bachelor's degree is in but I haven't received a call, nor have I called them about whether they received my resume. I guess I am sort of leaving it up to fate (if their is such a thing). If they call it's meant to be, if not I am already on my chosen path as a drug and alcohol counselor. The truth is I am happy everyday that I get to work with people in Recovery but it would also nice to be paid a handsome salary for blogging, tweeting, and facebooking about health and fitness all day (my first loves). Not to mention I'd be moving to a brand new city with brand new people and experiences, satisfying the starving adventurous side of me. We will see, like I said, I am enjoying every minute of my time spent helping those who are suffering from addictions.
I applied to a dream job in New York City a week ago. It is a job working for a health magazine as a social media strategist. I am completely qualified for the job, it is what my bachelor's degree is in but I haven't received a call, nor have I called them about whether they received my resume. I guess I am sort of leaving it up to fate (if their is such a thing). If they call it's meant to be, if not I am already on my chosen path as a drug and alcohol counselor. The truth is I am happy everyday that I get to work with people in Recovery but it would also nice to be paid a handsome salary for blogging, tweeting, and facebooking about health and fitness all day (my first loves). Not to mention I'd be moving to a brand new city with brand new people and experiences, satisfying the starving adventurous side of me. We will see, like I said, I am enjoying every minute of my time spent helping those who are suffering from addictions.
Wednesday, September 29, 2010
Recovery Counselor
I am a student of suffering
Your demons do not frighten me brother
Your scars do not intimidate me sister
I only ask to be let in
Your hearing voices when no one is talking
Loud aggressive "fightin words"
I am not judging brother
I will not embarrass you sister
I only ask to listen with you
Your court cases are pending
Legal rights threatened
I am not accusing you brother
I will not handcuff you sister
I only ask to stand up for you
Your children are missing
Hurt and abused by your drinking
I am not scolding you brother
I will not punish you sister
I only ask to hug you for your suffering
Your demons do not frighten me brother
Your scars do not intimidate me sister
I only ask to be let in
Your hearing voices when no one is talking
Loud aggressive "fightin words"
I am not judging brother
I will not embarrass you sister
I only ask to listen with you
Your court cases are pending
Legal rights threatened
I am not accusing you brother
I will not handcuff you sister
I only ask to stand up for you
Your children are missing
Hurt and abused by your drinking
I am not scolding you brother
I will not punish you sister
I only ask to hug you for your suffering
Sunday, September 26, 2010
early recovery
Some of them are like ghosts, haunting the mortal world with their presence and their wits. They play pranks and whisper your name, desperate for a reaction, but absent with meaning. They drift through the halls probing the living for answers. Lost between a time where they began and finished drinking, they search for a savior.
Thursday, September 23, 2010
Tamed & Caged
I don't know if it is my youth or just my personality but I cannot stop fantasizing about traveling, meeting new people in different cultures, and writing about these imaginative places I explore and people I talk with.
I am constrained by money, bills, school, latest chosen career path, and rented property. I wonder if I will ever be able to make it happen for myself, if I will ever be able to do some extensive traveling and exploring. With all great problems it usually just takes some tweaking of the mind. Obviously what I am doing with my life right now is far more important and meaningful. I really do love the line of work I am getting involved with, and I really am doing the right thing with my youthful vitality and strength by applying it to studying and earning degrees.
Sometimes it is difficult to tame the lioness inside of me who craves a frontier to explore and conquer on her own, but financial responsibilities and societal pressures lend a helping hand with reinforcing the cage.
Saturday, September 18, 2010
First Impressions of working in a Drug and Alcohol Rehabilitation Center in Hartford
*6 foot tall huge gangster thugs cry too
*Illiteracy truly is a relevant social issue
*Sometimes people who commit crimes just never found a way to express, cope, and find help for the crimes that were committed against them (mostly when they were young innocent children)
*Connecticut, and the U.S. in general really do try to help it's citizens even in the most terrible (and seemingly self-created) predicaments. Whether they are being helped affectingly for their well being or for maximum economic efficiency is up for debate.
*Drug & Alcohol Rehabilitation centers rely (in my opinion) too heavily on medication prescribed by doctors in the facility to treat symptoms of mental distress that chemical abusers have.
*I suspect one reason that substance abusers are put on many medications is to keep them docile and easy to control as they move through the system.
*I suspect that encouraging substance abusers to take several prescribed medications only further demonstrates to them that (any and all) chemical use is a necessary and acceptable practice in their lives.
*People are genuinely good spirited
*Many people who repeatedly commit crimes even after rehabilitative services have been provided to them often do so because of mental disorders that they were born with, or have developed, that are not being appropriately addressed, which make it difficult for them to learn from their mistakes despite the severity or type of consequences they receive for their actions.
*Taking the time to help someone in need can make a difference if not in there life then at least in their day, and if not in their day, at least in that moment. I have helped clients at my internship site complete simple tasks such as filling out forms they cannot read, or finding a number they need to call, and the gratitude they express for doing so is so overwhelming it makes me realize how often I have missed a opportunity to help someone in need and brighten their day.
*Social Work is my calling!
*Illiteracy truly is a relevant social issue
*Sometimes people who commit crimes just never found a way to express, cope, and find help for the crimes that were committed against them (mostly when they were young innocent children)
*Connecticut, and the U.S. in general really do try to help it's citizens even in the most terrible (and seemingly self-created) predicaments. Whether they are being helped affectingly for their well being or for maximum economic efficiency is up for debate.
*Drug & Alcohol Rehabilitation centers rely (in my opinion) too heavily on medication prescribed by doctors in the facility to treat symptoms of mental distress that chemical abusers have.
*I suspect one reason that substance abusers are put on many medications is to keep them docile and easy to control as they move through the system.
*I suspect that encouraging substance abusers to take several prescribed medications only further demonstrates to them that (any and all) chemical use is a necessary and acceptable practice in their lives.
*People are genuinely good spirited
*Many people who repeatedly commit crimes even after rehabilitative services have been provided to them often do so because of mental disorders that they were born with, or have developed, that are not being appropriately addressed, which make it difficult for them to learn from their mistakes despite the severity or type of consequences they receive for their actions.
*Taking the time to help someone in need can make a difference if not in there life then at least in their day, and if not in their day, at least in that moment. I have helped clients at my internship site complete simple tasks such as filling out forms they cannot read, or finding a number they need to call, and the gratitude they express for doing so is so overwhelming it makes me realize how often I have missed a opportunity to help someone in need and brighten their day.
*Social Work is my calling!
Tuesday, September 14, 2010
Monday, September 6, 2010
facebook/stalkbook
It's too easy to be a voyeur
The craft has been spoiled
I can garden my love into mania
But it doesn't mean anything to you
Easily mistaken for a browser in your network
My eyes on you are one in five hundred
In this paradise breeding ground for fetish; I gaze, stare, and look
I wish you could catch me because now I wont stop
The craft has been spoiled
I can garden my love into mania
But it doesn't mean anything to you
Easily mistaken for a browser in your network
My eyes on you are one in five hundred
In this paradise breeding ground for fetish; I gaze, stare, and look
I wish you could catch me because now I wont stop
Sunday, August 29, 2010
"I don't think I have ever met a cat who ate popcorn, have you?"
I have prospects! Prospects for better days coming my way, for less financial woes. I have applied to two jobs online which will compliment my studies, PAY ME MORE MONEY, and last but not least will not require me to serve Thirsty Thursday specials or the soup of the day! One job pays a generous 18 dollars an hour which is a life raft I need in this ocean of bills and debt that I am currently swimming in. I need positive thoughts and vibes sent my way! and hell I'll even ask for some prayers too!
Thursday, August 26, 2010
young, on my own, and living in CT....this is actually pretty hard.
I just organized all of my bills for the month. I grouped them by the dates they are due and the days of the week I get paid. So far it looks like I will not be able to pay all of them on time. It has made me realize that Luc and I need to continue to sell items, cut unnecessary expenses out of our lives, and I must get a second job ASAP.
My plan of action for the second job is to start visiting local restaurants and see if anyone will take me on and teach me the ropes of the serving profession. I am scared to death and would rather do anything else but that's just it, there really isn't anything left for me to do to make more money (legitimately anyhow). My dad, sister, and friends agree it is the only sensible way to make more money. All I hear playing through my head are the horror stories of grumpy customers, little or absent tips, exhausted bodies, and long nights straight from the mouths of those I know who already serve. I wish I could get a higher paying job that applies to my studies but I am not qualified for anything that is available. Christine found me an incredible job opportunity working as a case manager in a mental health facility which would perfectly compliment my current career path except that you need a bachelor's in social work specifically. My bachelors in Media Studies? Yeah, useless. She says I should shoot for it anyhow, type up a really creative and mind blowing cover letter and she's right I should, and I will, but we all know the likely outcome. Okay, enough with the whining!
What a humbling experience this is turning into. I still haven't given up my daily coffee purchases. By the end of this week I will have spent about 17 dollars on coffee. I am still not living within my means. I need to get a stronger grip on my financial reality. I also haven't been able to go through with giving my smart phone when it could be saving Luc and I an extra 30 dollars on our phone bill. I invited my close friends over to my apartment tomorrow night for drinks and avocado treats but can I even afford to provide those (now) luxuries? I am going to go restaurant job hunting first thing Monday afternoon before my new class begins.
Monday, August 23, 2010
Clutter Bug Cashes in and Contributes to Green Causes at the Same Time!
I am broke!
I have lots of stuff!
So, I have decided to sell as much of my stuff as possible. I just spent an hour organizing my entire DVD collection, and old clothing that I no longer wear into bags to be sold at Blockbuster and a consignment shop. I am dangerously broke and need to make money any way I can at this point. One thing I know I should really sell is my colossal book collection. This is very difficult for me because I take a lot of pride in my books and enjoy them in various forms. They make great decorations, talking pieces, research companions, resources, and entertainment. Okay, so maybe I will just do without selling them for now.
It feels great to shed "stuff" from my life. For awhile now I have been very concerned with living a more minimalist lifestyle and cutting back on consuming. This blog is really helpful in keeping me mindful of this: http://rowdykittens.com/
I know that once I get rid of the DVDS I wont be acquiring anymore because just about anything I am ever interested in watching I can find online or download. As for clothes, I do not have the financial means to acquire anymore so that solves that. Back to the book problem, I haven't purchased a book in months and probably will not do so because again I can download most books on the internet or spend a day or two at the bookstore if it is not search-able.
The only form of consumption I regularly participate in is food and alcohol consumption. I am afraid this probably will not change either. I buy organic and local food whenever possible but am shamefully absent minded about my alcohol and restaurant choices.
In 2010, it is important to be mindful of consumption and waste. The more I acquire the more I am contributing to the growth of landfills and hastening the destruction of our planet. To fix what is broke, donate or sell what is no longer needed, and only buy what is absolutely necessary and durable is the way I want to live.
I have lots of stuff!
So, I have decided to sell as much of my stuff as possible. I just spent an hour organizing my entire DVD collection, and old clothing that I no longer wear into bags to be sold at Blockbuster and a consignment shop. I am dangerously broke and need to make money any way I can at this point. One thing I know I should really sell is my colossal book collection. This is very difficult for me because I take a lot of pride in my books and enjoy them in various forms. They make great decorations, talking pieces, research companions, resources, and entertainment. Okay, so maybe I will just do without selling them for now.
It feels great to shed "stuff" from my life. For awhile now I have been very concerned with living a more minimalist lifestyle and cutting back on consuming. This blog is really helpful in keeping me mindful of this: http://rowdykittens.com/
I know that once I get rid of the DVDS I wont be acquiring anymore because just about anything I am ever interested in watching I can find online or download. As for clothes, I do not have the financial means to acquire anymore so that solves that. Back to the book problem, I haven't purchased a book in months and probably will not do so because again I can download most books on the internet or spend a day or two at the bookstore if it is not search-able.
The only form of consumption I regularly participate in is food and alcohol consumption. I am afraid this probably will not change either. I buy organic and local food whenever possible but am shamefully absent minded about my alcohol and restaurant choices.
In 2010, it is important to be mindful of consumption and waste. The more I acquire the more I am contributing to the growth of landfills and hastening the destruction of our planet. To fix what is broke, donate or sell what is no longer needed, and only buy what is absolutely necessary and durable is the way I want to live.
Thursday, August 5, 2010
I need to get into yoga
I must discover meditation
I am ready to raise my consciousness
I desire self actualization
I think I may quit the gym, or at least one of my memberships and use the extra money for a meditation or yoga class. I run and body build but all I get is sore joints at 23 and a hungry belly. I thought I was going to do a body building bikini competition but now I think I'll go a different route. I am not selfish enough to pursue body building, I do not want to be so vain anymore.
I want to connect with the energy of the universe. I want to sweat beauty, not see it superficially staring back at me in a mirror.
I must discover meditation
I am ready to raise my consciousness
I desire self actualization
I think I may quit the gym, or at least one of my memberships and use the extra money for a meditation or yoga class. I run and body build but all I get is sore joints at 23 and a hungry belly. I thought I was going to do a body building bikini competition but now I think I'll go a different route. I am not selfish enough to pursue body building, I do not want to be so vain anymore.
I want to connect with the energy of the universe. I want to sweat beauty, not see it superficially staring back at me in a mirror.
Wednesday, August 4, 2010
The Year Ahead
Forecast for August 2010 to August 2011
If You Were Born Today, August 4: Famous people born today: Percy Bysshe Shelley, Louis Armstrong, Barack Obama, Billy Bob Thornton.
Your Birthday Year Forecast: You are likely to make important contacts through learning, communicating, and mental pursuits this year. The period ahead is sure to be an intellectually stimulating one in which the exchange of ideas with others figures prominently.
Saturn transits sextile your Sun this year from November 2010 forward, and you are likely feeling quite solid and supported. Paying attention to the important details of your life is important now, and will lay the groundwork for future successes. This influence keeps you on track and structured. You are practical in your choices (for the most part), keeping your feet on the ground and paying attention to, and honoring, tradition as well as tried-and-true methods. You have the power of practicality, realism, and caution on your side in the year ahead. Work you have done in the past begins to pay off this year--not necessarily in dramatic ways, but in small, measurable ways. You may be recognized or rewarded in some way for the efforts you put forth. Because you project a more responsible and credible "you", people in authority are more inclined to appreciate you and recognize your work. This is a year in which you put your life in order in some significant manner. Improved concentration, a more realistic outlook, and a practical awareness of the limits of time all help you to make steady progress, particularly in your career. Your concern for your future this year is stronger than usual, and you may find that projects you start, or investments you make, this year will benefit you for years to come. The key to success this year is adopting a realistic, practical, disciplined, and orderly approach to your life.
In March 2011, you benefit from transiting Jupiter trine to your Sun, and this is a time to find ways to improve your life and your satisfaction from life. Resolving conflicts with others is favored, as you come across in a more favorable light than usual. Jupiter is giving your ego a boost, and it's likely a much-needed boost. New visions of the future and new inspirations are likely to come along with this transit. You are likely to feel very good and confident during this period.
The practical aspects of your love relationships will be especially important to you this year, and security factors prominent. You might find yourself especially involved in a love interest's day to day affairs. Genuineness, commitment, and faithfulness are extremely important qualities that you are seeking in your love life this year. In your love life, you can sometimes struggle between sticking with familiar habit patterns and feeling like you need more. There can be some see-sawing as you try to find a balance for your needs for both stability and excitement. While there is a strong urge for security and familiarity in love, there can be some disruptions to these patterns.
You have an especially strong urge to get on track financially, to buckle down, to budget, and to save. However, there can be times when whim overcomes you, or there can be disruptions that throw you off course temporarily.
Saturn in opposition to Uranus around the time of your birthday suggests some restlessness. Attempts to assert your individuality, freedom, and originality undermine your feelings of groundedness and security. Yet, you are not satisfied when you conform. There may be sudden and unexpected twists that force you to do something different or that help free yourself from old habits. Adjusting your plans is in order, and striking a balance between convention and innovation is the challenge. Setbacks tend to be temporary and often lead to new, more creative paths or solutions. Ambivalence is likely and could color many of your interactions.
While many people born around your birthday experience this Saturn-Uranus influence in their Solar Return charts, it can be especially significant for you as both Venus and Mars aspect this pair of planets. Sticking to tried and true methods for achieving your goals is a strong tendency, but frequent challenges to your methods, and even opposition, will force you to think outside the box. Don't waste your time on feeling frustrated or blocked. Use this energy to work harder. It's important that you stay grounded and realistic in your expectations.
Jupiter joined with Uranus is also found in your Solar Return chart, and this suggests the need for progressive change in your life. You might take risks (perhaps, but not necessarily, foolish ones) for the sake of freedom. You are open to new energies, approaches, and attitudes. Fortunate events occur as a direct result of your willingness to entertain the unusual and to think outside of the box. Enthusiasm runs high, the desire for freedom from restrictions is strong, and thirst for adventure is with you.
The major key to success this year is managing to keep your feet on the ground and your expectations realistic. However, you are also bound to deal with issues of control, anger, and power this year, and you might channel this energy into a constructive new pursuit or passion. Overall, you are thinking clearly and making steady progress. Positive connections can be made through learning endeavors.
2010 is a Number Six year for you. Ruled by Venus. This is a year of relative contentment. It is a time when love is the easiest to attract, and partnerships formed under this vibration have a better chance for longevity. You are able to attract others, and material things as well, this year. This is a good year for establishing harmony in the family and in the home. Advice - develop existing relationships, be positive and receptive because these kinds of energies help you to attract what you desire.
2011 will be a Number Seven year for you. Ruled by Neptune. This is a year of preparation, chance, and refinement. It is not a time of dramatic changes. Instead, it's a year when reflection on the past is helpful, and when refinements to your life path should be made. It's a good year to study and analyze. Unexpected twists to your life story and "chance" meetings are probable. Advice - take stock of your life in order to prepare for more exciting years to come, examine the past and plan for the future, get in touch with your deepest needs and uncover your personal power, don't strain yourself or actively try to expand.
Friday, July 30, 2010
We played with life and lost.
Last night I dreamed I was Catherine from the film Jules et Jim. I was draped in a black and gray world that smelled like a newspaper. It was a place where my friends and I had nothing better to do than play with romance and laugh like children. It was an enjoyable feeling at first which quickly turned to insanity, which is how the story goes anyhow....
Monday, July 26, 2010
Eat Like A Caveman Now for a Better Body Tomorrow!
A usual GNC customer and former EHHS classmate of mine came into my store yesterday and told me about the Hunter Gatherer diet or Paleolithic diet that his friend just started getting into. It takes eating natural foods to a further extreme than I even imagined and it has gotten me very curious. I have started reading a book on google preview called Food and Western Disease By: Staffan Lindeberg which discusses exactly what the title says and advocates the paleolithic diet but not without bringing to surface some of its impracticalities and even dangers. It is a bit Micheal Pollanesk in that it exposes the motives of advertising, agriculture, and the food pyramid explaining that many things we (the public) have been told about our daily recommended food needs and servings mostly exist in order to increase a profit margin. Lindeberg brings to light research by credible sources that have often been ignored or kept from the media which dispell commonly held nutritional beliefs such as that milk is a good source of calcium and "does the body good" and that whole grains should be apart of a daily diet. Both beleifs are in fact just that according to Lindeberg, beliefs with no solid research backing up the claims. Furthermore he describes cultures all over the world who mostly eat the way they did in the stone age and makes startling connections to the absence of heart disease, diabetes, cancer, schizophrenia, depression, auto immune diseases, dementia, and hypertension in their societies.
SO being the health-anxious person that I am this has gotten me thinking. It is a near impossible diet to stick with completely even for someone who is as disciplined as myself. It stresses root vegetables only (most of which I have no idea how to find or what they look like), a LOT of free range grass fed meat, and no peanut butter, grains (bread, pasta, pizza, rice), or alcohol. So I have decided to place an extreme limit on the no no's without giving them up completely because lets face it, I haven't gone more than a week without pizza in over a year. I am going to research and incorporate more root veggies into my diet, cut down my alcohol intake, and try to avoid sugar (other than that which naturally occurs in my whole foods), and salt.
Sunday, July 25, 2010
Inspirtation for those who need to be Inspired! (or something like that)
It was right around the time when I turned 23 that I decided to stop taking my life so seriously. I was never going to have very much money, making ends meet was always going to be a bit of a struggle, and I was never going to be able to convince myself to work hard at doing something I couldn’t get any meaning out of just for some green paper in my hands. I had learned exactly what middle class meant and accepted that wealth and luxury were never going to be a part of my life. Hell not even abundance was going to be a word I could attach to my income. Fortunately I had been blessed with a very agreeable and adaptable character and decided to count my wealth less fate as a blessed one. Obviously the universe had more exciting plans for me, plans that excluded green paper. Of course we all need money to survive, since we no longer as a species live outside, hunt, and gather. So of course I was going to continue to hold jobs and earn a paycheck it was just going to be done with more meaning for my life.
Some of the happiest men my father told me were those he knew who had worked odd minuscule jobs and enjoyed the time they spent there. They were not men who took high stress jobs crawling up the cut throat competitive corporate ladder nor did they obligate themselves with sore fidelity to a career for economic support for their family. They were men who indulged in their lives first, and worked second. Some simply pursed their interests however big or small and found that they got paid to do so along the way, just enough to keep warm food in their bellies and a roof over their head, ah the simple pleasures.
In a day as cutting edge as this with the internet and its vast array of money making opportunities it is quite easier than ever to stop taking your life so seriously and make a little money doing something you enjoy. When one forgets the American Dream of wealth and fleshy prosperity one can really begin to dream. With a little spare time (and that time spent away from the television) one can research endless possibilities for revenue on the internet. I enjoy writing and have fancied the idea of a career in journalism but because of time and the financial commitment necessary to obtain a degree and internship training in the field, have never pursued it until I came across a freelance writing online opportunity. A chance to visit local bars, clubs, fitness centers, restaurants, etc and get paid and published to write about them! This is just one example of pursuing a dream and being able financially sustain myself while doing it. Another example? My cousin has been interested in working with and researching big wild cats her whole life. She found a volunteer research program observing wild cats in New Orleans with room and board provided. Before finding this opportunity she considered her dream impossible when thinking about the money it would take to accomplish enough school and training to even get close to the cats. Possibilities are endless, the sky is the limit on this one!
While it may be possible to strike a fortune following your dreams by doing a little digging and finding opportunities through the internet, it is much more likely that you will be able to accomplish a modest lifestyle doing so. So of course, the first rule in pursing one’s dream is to stop taking your life so seriously. Lavish resort trips? Six bedroom, three story house? BMW? Just forget it all because really, why do you want these silly things anyway? It is America bought and sold to pursue material items such as these, things you cannot take with you when you’re gone, things that will only drain you of time and energy that could be spent on enjoying your life with others, involving yourself in activities you love, feeding your spirit, and growing with wisdom and compassion as a person.
The time is now, uncover your dreams, pursue them, stop taking your life so seriously, and begin to live for the first time starting today!
Some of the happiest men my father told me were those he knew who had worked odd minuscule jobs and enjoyed the time they spent there. They were not men who took high stress jobs crawling up the cut throat competitive corporate ladder nor did they obligate themselves with sore fidelity to a career for economic support for their family. They were men who indulged in their lives first, and worked second. Some simply pursed their interests however big or small and found that they got paid to do so along the way, just enough to keep warm food in their bellies and a roof over their head, ah the simple pleasures.
In a day as cutting edge as this with the internet and its vast array of money making opportunities it is quite easier than ever to stop taking your life so seriously and make a little money doing something you enjoy. When one forgets the American Dream of wealth and fleshy prosperity one can really begin to dream. With a little spare time (and that time spent away from the television) one can research endless possibilities for revenue on the internet. I enjoy writing and have fancied the idea of a career in journalism but because of time and the financial commitment necessary to obtain a degree and internship training in the field, have never pursued it until I came across a freelance writing online opportunity. A chance to visit local bars, clubs, fitness centers, restaurants, etc and get paid and published to write about them! This is just one example of pursuing a dream and being able financially sustain myself while doing it. Another example? My cousin has been interested in working with and researching big wild cats her whole life. She found a volunteer research program observing wild cats in New Orleans with room and board provided. Before finding this opportunity she considered her dream impossible when thinking about the money it would take to accomplish enough school and training to even get close to the cats. Possibilities are endless, the sky is the limit on this one!
While it may be possible to strike a fortune following your dreams by doing a little digging and finding opportunities through the internet, it is much more likely that you will be able to accomplish a modest lifestyle doing so. So of course, the first rule in pursing one’s dream is to stop taking your life so seriously. Lavish resort trips? Six bedroom, three story house? BMW? Just forget it all because really, why do you want these silly things anyway? It is America bought and sold to pursue material items such as these, things you cannot take with you when you’re gone, things that will only drain you of time and energy that could be spent on enjoying your life with others, involving yourself in activities you love, feeding your spirit, and growing with wisdom and compassion as a person.
The time is now, uncover your dreams, pursue them, stop taking your life so seriously, and begin to live for the first time starting today!
Sunday, July 11, 2010
Bells
I want to be at warped tour, walk around in the blazing sun, listen to shitty music, and watch 13 year olds own skateboarding tricks. I want to see all the naked tattoos, colored hair, and boys wearing girl jeans. Johnny from Attack Attack got Luc and I on the guest list, or I should say his girlfriend (a friend of Luc and I) got us in. Instead, I am stuck here at work, at GNC. I have had two customers. I so badly crave money and freedom. A free numerology report I requested claims both will be mine on or around august 6th.....
I have such a terrible time staying focused. I have all of these ideas, all of these talents, and no stamina for production. I envy people who can come up with something amazing and then actually commit the time to its manifestation. It's not like I mind hard work, I enjoy it, I welcome sweat on my brow, cramps in my hands, and headaches from concentration, it's the endurance I struggle with. Weeks, Days, or sometimes hours later I just end up coming up with something better, or become distracted by something interesting and never return to what I started. I really thought this would all get sorted it out with maturity and I really thought I would have had something published by now. I need to anchor my mind down to something that doesn't move and stop lassoing the clouds.
I have such a terrible time staying focused. I have all of these ideas, all of these talents, and no stamina for production. I envy people who can come up with something amazing and then actually commit the time to its manifestation. It's not like I mind hard work, I enjoy it, I welcome sweat on my brow, cramps in my hands, and headaches from concentration, it's the endurance I struggle with. Weeks, Days, or sometimes hours later I just end up coming up with something better, or become distracted by something interesting and never return to what I started. I really thought this would all get sorted it out with maturity and I really thought I would have had something published by now. I need to anchor my mind down to something that doesn't move and stop lassoing the clouds.
Friday, June 25, 2010
happy go lucky little big one
I don't think I have ever been so happy?
My training has been better than ever, I am enjoying my summer classes, and I am getting a lot of hours at work! I feel great and I look great!
I do still feel that itch for adventure and would like to at least spend one whole day at the beach but tadie dah, I suppose there will always be more summers....or something like that.
I could use some more bonding time with those in my life that I love but everyone is busy being busy, more so myself than probably any of them.
I decided to stop painting my toenails. I have already noticed a number of disapproving glances but I don't mind. It is difficult to keep up with nail polish when I run so much, it ends up chipping and breaking away the day after I splash on a new color. I don't particularly enjoy the activity either, it's a waste of time to sit there with the colors and the toe separation thingies and trying to get my overcafinated hands to stop jittering while I splash little dabs of pink or purple on my toes. Going to get a pedi is a terrible experience too! I am always squirming, kicking, and splashing in the foot bath because I am ultra ticklish.Then I always end up getting up to soon or accidentally smudging them against the carpet or my flip flops as I walk up the stairs or whatever. I am pretty sure the fumes are toxic and damaging to my bronchial parts after all, most of the women who work in nail salons where masks! Don't get me wrong though, I very much appreciate those who paint their toe nails. I mean sure, there I am bored sitting in class and I happen to look down and wow aren't those pretty designs on her toes, thanks. It's just not for me and I asked my toes and they pretty much agreed, they prefer to just go naked.
My training has been better than ever, I am enjoying my summer classes, and I am getting a lot of hours at work! I feel great and I look great!
I do still feel that itch for adventure and would like to at least spend one whole day at the beach but tadie dah, I suppose there will always be more summers....or something like that.
I could use some more bonding time with those in my life that I love but everyone is busy being busy, more so myself than probably any of them.
I decided to stop painting my toenails. I have already noticed a number of disapproving glances but I don't mind. It is difficult to keep up with nail polish when I run so much, it ends up chipping and breaking away the day after I splash on a new color. I don't particularly enjoy the activity either, it's a waste of time to sit there with the colors and the toe separation thingies and trying to get my overcafinated hands to stop jittering while I splash little dabs of pink or purple on my toes. Going to get a pedi is a terrible experience too! I am always squirming, kicking, and splashing in the foot bath because I am ultra ticklish.Then I always end up getting up to soon or accidentally smudging them against the carpet or my flip flops as I walk up the stairs or whatever. I am pretty sure the fumes are toxic and damaging to my bronchial parts after all, most of the women who work in nail salons where masks! Don't get me wrong though, I very much appreciate those who paint their toe nails. I mean sure, there I am bored sitting in class and I happen to look down and wow aren't those pretty designs on her toes, thanks. It's just not for me and I asked my toes and they pretty much agreed, they prefer to just go naked.
Monday, April 26, 2010
Just The Facts
Inspired by Kurt Vonnegut's Breakfast of Champions
What would you do if you were put on a planet and given a life with a big fat question mark for a purpose. Turns out there is absolutely no one or no thing that can tell you what to do or when or even how to hold on to a fuzzy little sensation called happiness. An absolute truth you are given as that your life on this planet is not infinite, you have a good 85 years if you manage to escape thousands of possible deadly illnesses, fatal accidents and stay out of the way of murderous criminals.
You have been given this nifty little gift called free will. This means you have options and you can make decisions! In fact you can make a million decisions through the course of one day out of one year of your life between 100 different options! Or so it goes.
Unfortunately, you are not the only one with this special free will gift. In fact every other fellow human (all 9 billion of them) have this gift too. This complicates things because now you see you have no control over how most of your decisions on all of your options turn out.
So for instance....
Your born a male and you decide your going to wear faded blue jeans, red sox t-shirts most days of the week, and become a professional baseball player. So you choose to go to the right college, play as hard and as much as you can, and yet couches decide you don't have what it takes and neither do the scouts as you are continuously ignored and rejected. All of that hard work utilizing your free will and you got nodda.
So now what?
You decide to go to a trade school, take up a trade and decide to become an electrician, You take the right classes, become an apprentice, become certified and bam you've done it and you even get hired. Free will, you've got it now! You Just chose all of the right options, great. Things are going well with your girlfriend, you ask her to marry you but it turns out she had been exercising her free will to get to know some guy at her job and says something much harsher than "no thanks"
So how do you go through such a life? No instructions, free will, limited life span, and no control over outcomes. Further meaning there is no accurate way to use your free will, no distinct pattern of decisions or right or wrong decisions, your free will plan will be interrupted (for better or worse) no matter what...eventually.
How do you then, with this information decide to live your life the best way possible? What motto or philosophy of life should one follow to live such a life? Can one find a purpose and/or does one need to?
What would you do if you were put on a planet and given a life with a big fat question mark for a purpose. Turns out there is absolutely no one or no thing that can tell you what to do or when or even how to hold on to a fuzzy little sensation called happiness. An absolute truth you are given as that your life on this planet is not infinite, you have a good 85 years if you manage to escape thousands of possible deadly illnesses, fatal accidents and stay out of the way of murderous criminals.
You have been given this nifty little gift called free will. This means you have options and you can make decisions! In fact you can make a million decisions through the course of one day out of one year of your life between 100 different options! Or so it goes.
Unfortunately, you are not the only one with this special free will gift. In fact every other fellow human (all 9 billion of them) have this gift too. This complicates things because now you see you have no control over how most of your decisions on all of your options turn out.
So for instance....
Your born a male and you decide your going to wear faded blue jeans, red sox t-shirts most days of the week, and become a professional baseball player. So you choose to go to the right college, play as hard and as much as you can, and yet couches decide you don't have what it takes and neither do the scouts as you are continuously ignored and rejected. All of that hard work utilizing your free will and you got nodda.
So now what?
You decide to go to a trade school, take up a trade and decide to become an electrician, You take the right classes, become an apprentice, become certified and bam you've done it and you even get hired. Free will, you've got it now! You Just chose all of the right options, great. Things are going well with your girlfriend, you ask her to marry you but it turns out she had been exercising her free will to get to know some guy at her job and says something much harsher than "no thanks"
So how do you go through such a life? No instructions, free will, limited life span, and no control over outcomes. Further meaning there is no accurate way to use your free will, no distinct pattern of decisions or right or wrong decisions, your free will plan will be interrupted (for better or worse) no matter what...eventually.
How do you then, with this information decide to live your life the best way possible? What motto or philosophy of life should one follow to live such a life? Can one find a purpose and/or does one need to?
Thursday, April 8, 2010
All you have to do is let yourself go
The greatest part about taking counseling classes is that I learn something new about myself almost every day! It's like killing two birds with one stone, I am paying for an education AND therapy!
Yesterday in class we discussed family roles in family systems. (Based on systems theory of counseling). I learned that when the family is unbalanced in terms of a parent who is addicted or suffering from a mental disorder (or other reasons) the family members take on roles to maintain homeostasis (balance). So I am going to insert my situation to explain what I learned. So for instance, my mother who was suffering from some if not several mental illnesses as my sister and I were growing up forfeited the traditional parental role and kicked my dad out of the house while she was at it. This left our family unbalanced. Even though my dad was still in the picture and took me every other weekend (and was still a great dad), he did not live with us and couldn't always be around because of work obligations and my mother's unjustified fury. So my sister took on a role coined in the family systems theory and other psychological theories as: "The little Parent", she cooked me dinner, took me for hair cuts, took me school clothes shopping, made sure I did my homework, and even grounded me if I did something wrong. As a characteristic of this she also became protective and fought my mom or stuck up for me every time she tried to or succeeded in doing something psychologically damaging to us. My role was the "Lost Child" which I fit really well. The lost child escapes any and all conflict which I did every time my mom acted abusively towards us. As the lost child I also never stuck up for myself, at all costs avoided my mom, and never ever yelled back. I cried or hid in my room alone for hours. She left me home alone for hours and often acted as If I was invisible (which to me was better than her being verbally abusive so I was relieved during these times).
So what does this all mean?
Well as a consequence, when the lost child grows up they have difficulty being in deep meaningful lasting relationships. They run and hide at the first sight of conflict or even deep intimacy. My whole life I have avoided conflict and caved at the first sight of disagreement between myself and someone else. I am terrified of intense emotions, especially angry ones. I do have a few long lasting relationships but it seems as if I have done a great job keeping them at surface value, never allowing them to become more intimate or personal. This has especially been true in romantic relationships where I abandon ship every time things became difficult or even just unpleasant. What has forced me to confront these aspects of myself and my past is not only the knowledge I have gained in my class but also in truly wanting to make things work with Luc. Just a few weeks ago I was ready to break it off with the best man I have ever dated or could dream up just because he made one big mistake and things started to feel unpleasant and intense. It was uncomfortable but I stuck through it and now I am happier than ever. It has also made me reevaluate friendships in my life and confront why I have let great friendships fade away or become less sincere. I want to become more intimate with the people I care about, I want to take more risks, and present myself more honestly with them.
Yesterday in class we discussed family roles in family systems. (Based on systems theory of counseling). I learned that when the family is unbalanced in terms of a parent who is addicted or suffering from a mental disorder (or other reasons) the family members take on roles to maintain homeostasis (balance). So I am going to insert my situation to explain what I learned. So for instance, my mother who was suffering from some if not several mental illnesses as my sister and I were growing up forfeited the traditional parental role and kicked my dad out of the house while she was at it. This left our family unbalanced. Even though my dad was still in the picture and took me every other weekend (and was still a great dad), he did not live with us and couldn't always be around because of work obligations and my mother's unjustified fury. So my sister took on a role coined in the family systems theory and other psychological theories as: "The little Parent", she cooked me dinner, took me for hair cuts, took me school clothes shopping, made sure I did my homework, and even grounded me if I did something wrong. As a characteristic of this she also became protective and fought my mom or stuck up for me every time she tried to or succeeded in doing something psychologically damaging to us. My role was the "Lost Child" which I fit really well. The lost child escapes any and all conflict which I did every time my mom acted abusively towards us. As the lost child I also never stuck up for myself, at all costs avoided my mom, and never ever yelled back. I cried or hid in my room alone for hours. She left me home alone for hours and often acted as If I was invisible (which to me was better than her being verbally abusive so I was relieved during these times).
So what does this all mean?
Well as a consequence, when the lost child grows up they have difficulty being in deep meaningful lasting relationships. They run and hide at the first sight of conflict or even deep intimacy. My whole life I have avoided conflict and caved at the first sight of disagreement between myself and someone else. I am terrified of intense emotions, especially angry ones. I do have a few long lasting relationships but it seems as if I have done a great job keeping them at surface value, never allowing them to become more intimate or personal. This has especially been true in romantic relationships where I abandon ship every time things became difficult or even just unpleasant. What has forced me to confront these aspects of myself and my past is not only the knowledge I have gained in my class but also in truly wanting to make things work with Luc. Just a few weeks ago I was ready to break it off with the best man I have ever dated or could dream up just because he made one big mistake and things started to feel unpleasant and intense. It was uncomfortable but I stuck through it and now I am happier than ever. It has also made me reevaluate friendships in my life and confront why I have let great friendships fade away or become less sincere. I want to become more intimate with the people I care about, I want to take more risks, and present myself more honestly with them.
Tuesday, March 30, 2010
Today is a reflective day; I don’t think I have thought very deeply these past days because I seem to be full of desire to write. I was thinking about something I just read in Viktor Frankl’s book Man’s Search For Meaning. I am at the part where he explains logotherapy, his therapy practice and in this particular section I am in, titled “Life’s Transitoriness” he states: “The person who attacks the problems of life actively is like a man who removes each successive leaf from his calendar and files it neatly and carefully away with its predecessors, after first having jotted down a few diary notes on the back. He can reflect with pride and joy on all the richness set down in these notes, on all the life he has already lived to the full. What will it matter to him if he notices that he is growing old? Has he any reason to envy the young people whom he sees, or wax nostalgic over his own lost youth? For the possibilities that a young person has, the future that is in store for him? “No thank you,” he will think. “Instead of possibilities, I have realities in my past, not only the reality of work done and of love loved, but of suffering suffered. These are the things of which I am most proud, though these are things which cannot inspire envy.” (193).
Pertaining to this, I was thinking about how I have heard people my age already say that they long for the yesteryears of being very young and carefree. I too have been guilty of saying and thinking such things but in reality, I had a blast when I was younger and I was always waiting to grow up. I remember how much fun I had, how much teenage suffering I did, and how badly I wanted to grow older and move on to grander things in my life. I am still having a blast (when I have the time to) and I am still looking ahead in angst and excitement for who I will still grow up to be. I happen to believe my largest accomplishments await me in my middle to even late adulthood. I really am excited to be at this stage of my life but I am also excited for the next one to come. I am excited to get to my masters and to become licensed even though I am not even a certified counselor yet. I am excited to read more, learn more, mature more and become wise. I think I will be a very wise old lady some day and I think I will write many books. I don’t dread getting old one bit (except maybe physically) and I know that I will have fun and laugh hard through all stages of life.
I really like what I have learned of Logotherapy thus far. It may not work for everyone but I think it will work for me. It is positive, empowering, and it has a spiritual element to it, almost Buddha-like because it talks about reaching higher perceptions of meaning in your life. Sort of like the highest level of consciousness one can obtain in Buddhism. I think it has a lot of logical and practical elements to it as well, it asks you to confront the situation you are dealing with from productive optimism. I also feel Viktor himself and his practice are exceptionally credible seeing as the guy did live inside a concentration camp for several years, he really must be on to something!
After rereading the passage I have to say that I do not always attack the problems of each day, in fact I often let them float on by. Luc is really good at doing that. He has something to do, something that is wrong, something that needs his attention; he will tackle it right away. He seems to just be programmed that way. I admire that trait in him very much so. What prevents me from tackling problems? I suppose I get distracted or overwhelmed and I have a hard time prioritizing. I am a procrastinator also so I will wait until I absolutely have to do what needs to be done before it’s done.
Pertaining to this, I was thinking about how I have heard people my age already say that they long for the yesteryears of being very young and carefree. I too have been guilty of saying and thinking such things but in reality, I had a blast when I was younger and I was always waiting to grow up. I remember how much fun I had, how much teenage suffering I did, and how badly I wanted to grow older and move on to grander things in my life. I am still having a blast (when I have the time to) and I am still looking ahead in angst and excitement for who I will still grow up to be. I happen to believe my largest accomplishments await me in my middle to even late adulthood. I really am excited to be at this stage of my life but I am also excited for the next one to come. I am excited to get to my masters and to become licensed even though I am not even a certified counselor yet. I am excited to read more, learn more, mature more and become wise. I think I will be a very wise old lady some day and I think I will write many books. I don’t dread getting old one bit (except maybe physically) and I know that I will have fun and laugh hard through all stages of life.
I really like what I have learned of Logotherapy thus far. It may not work for everyone but I think it will work for me. It is positive, empowering, and it has a spiritual element to it, almost Buddha-like because it talks about reaching higher perceptions of meaning in your life. Sort of like the highest level of consciousness one can obtain in Buddhism. I think it has a lot of logical and practical elements to it as well, it asks you to confront the situation you are dealing with from productive optimism. I also feel Viktor himself and his practice are exceptionally credible seeing as the guy did live inside a concentration camp for several years, he really must be on to something!
After rereading the passage I have to say that I do not always attack the problems of each day, in fact I often let them float on by. Luc is really good at doing that. He has something to do, something that is wrong, something that needs his attention; he will tackle it right away. He seems to just be programmed that way. I admire that trait in him very much so. What prevents me from tackling problems? I suppose I get distracted or overwhelmed and I have a hard time prioritizing. I am a procrastinator also so I will wait until I absolutely have to do what needs to be done before it’s done.
Tuesday, February 23, 2010
David Bowie rocks my world
I did some research on schools and degree programs for becoming a counselor today, past my certification. It looks like I am going to be in school for at least the next decade. With the goal of reaching licensure anyway. I found one advanced masters and licensure program for duel substance abuse and marriage and therapy counseling. I have to have a bachelors before I apply but it seems like it will be the most ideal program to shoot for. I am very excited but if I think about it too much I get overwhelmed. I am relieved that now that my id theft situation is resolved I will be able to apply for loans for all this schooling. I am aware that I am probably going to sink myself into some serious debt with all the schooling I plan to go through but I also figure I never really planned on being well off, obtaining these degrees, and having a truly meaningful career I enjoy will be worth living meagerly. The most important things in life for me are:
Education
Companionship
Being close to my Dad, Sis, and Cousin
Being close to the friends that matter
Writing
Hiking/Being physically active and exploring the country & world
Having a ton of money isn't on that list so I should be ok. As long as I have enough money to eat all natural organic food I am fine, I can skip clothes, accessories, and salon hair cuts. :-)
~KAT
Education
Companionship
Being close to my Dad, Sis, and Cousin
Being close to the friends that matter
Writing
Hiking/Being physically active and exploring the country & world
Having a ton of money isn't on that list so I should be ok. As long as I have enough money to eat all natural organic food I am fine, I can skip clothes, accessories, and salon hair cuts. :-)
~KAT
Wednesday, February 10, 2010
It's so easy to fall in love, its so easy to fall in love said buddy holly and that was before the plane crash
It is a snow storm outside. Not really quite the snow storm the television newscasts and word of mouth anticipated but it will due. No class today and no work, woot!
I have a new apartment, it's perfect. It is private, and warm, and cozy, and big, and has my favorite person in the world in it living with me, Luc. Or I should say I am the one living with him. He pays most of the bills. We have a very traditional relationship....ha. Nah, I am just too busy getting my second degree to be bothered with a full time job. Still working at GNC. Never would have thought. Now I just need to have a baby! Jusssst kidding!
I am ridiculously happy and ridiculously in love. Right now I am simply just too excited for him to come home from work (any minute now) so I am killing time writing this un-amusing entry.
I decided I am going to try keeping up with this more regularly, and make it more personal. OH! He's home, time to shower him with kisses!
Tuesday, February 9, 2010
Monday, January 18, 2010
Regular Ass Journal Entry
I have been keeping written journals for over a decade now but I find when I look back on typed up entries they come out much more fluent, eloquent, thoughtful, and even more detailed. I don’t write well, physically. My hand cramps up very fast, my letters get all crowded and pushed into one another, and I cannot correct the simple mistakes I make with haste that I can on a computer. It may be time to give up material journal writing for good, it is the digital age after all.
I keep having dreams about crashing my car. Okay well I’ve had two in the past two weeks and that is a lot! The first dream I had I was driving my car when all of a sudden I began to loose control of the steering wheel and my breaks gave out. I am driving down Silverlane in East Hartford and am about to make a left hand turn when this happens. As I struggle to gain control of the car it suddenly but very smoothly turns into a bright red bicycle (my car is red) and still unable to get control it slides into and wraps around a telephone pole. “Oh no!” I cry, “My car is totaled!” Preceding this drama is a ride home in my sisters Nissan Morano while her and my brother in law Joe inform me that neither my mom or dad is going to help me find a new car this time. They tell me that I am completely on my own in figuring out how to get around or acquire a new vehicle. I feel very sad, hopeless, distressed.
The second dream occurred last night. I was driving my car on the highway (84) until I was suddenly involved in a high impact crash that totaled my car. I wasn’t hurt at all and simply stepped outside of the car and called Luc for help (very similar to my actual experience totaling my 2002 Elantra this past summer). The emphasis wasn’t on the crash because it wasn’t very dramatic but on the overwhelmed feeling of sadness about totaling my third car. He came to get me and I cried into his chest (like I had done in the real world this past summer) and he drove me to a home in the woods- seemed to be ours? It sort of resembled Tina and Igor’s home (Katy’s bro & sister-in-laws house that we had stayed at a few weeks ago). I felt incredible sadness and talked to Luc about how my parents weren’t going to help me this time, that the car was only valued at 500 dollars and that I was so broke and didn’t know what I was going to do. Jesse’s presence was felt in the dream, he had a lighter mood about him and I think he was trying to get me to drink some gin in order to feel better.
I think these dreams highlight my financial anxiety. I am in a bit of credit debt, am a victim of ID theft, and I am hardly squeaking by with my part-time job at GNC. If something big were to happen like totaling another car I would be pretty much screwed especially because it wouldn’t be worth more than 1000 dollars. Luc and I are struggling to save money and cut back on the little luxuries we afford ourselves and it has me over-doing it a little and even scolding him for getting a soda at dinner last Saturday. We both desperately want to move out. Money is a sore deity.
I am starting classes this week for Drug & Alcohol Recovery Counseling. I am very happy and excited although this is just the long beginning to a long middle and an even longer end to this academic finish. I know I will enjoy every minute of it; it is just the cost that distresses me.
I keep having dreams about crashing my car. Okay well I’ve had two in the past two weeks and that is a lot! The first dream I had I was driving my car when all of a sudden I began to loose control of the steering wheel and my breaks gave out. I am driving down Silverlane in East Hartford and am about to make a left hand turn when this happens. As I struggle to gain control of the car it suddenly but very smoothly turns into a bright red bicycle (my car is red) and still unable to get control it slides into and wraps around a telephone pole. “Oh no!” I cry, “My car is totaled!” Preceding this drama is a ride home in my sisters Nissan Morano while her and my brother in law Joe inform me that neither my mom or dad is going to help me find a new car this time. They tell me that I am completely on my own in figuring out how to get around or acquire a new vehicle. I feel very sad, hopeless, distressed.
The second dream occurred last night. I was driving my car on the highway (84) until I was suddenly involved in a high impact crash that totaled my car. I wasn’t hurt at all and simply stepped outside of the car and called Luc for help (very similar to my actual experience totaling my 2002 Elantra this past summer). The emphasis wasn’t on the crash because it wasn’t very dramatic but on the overwhelmed feeling of sadness about totaling my third car. He came to get me and I cried into his chest (like I had done in the real world this past summer) and he drove me to a home in the woods- seemed to be ours? It sort of resembled Tina and Igor’s home (Katy’s bro & sister-in-laws house that we had stayed at a few weeks ago). I felt incredible sadness and talked to Luc about how my parents weren’t going to help me this time, that the car was only valued at 500 dollars and that I was so broke and didn’t know what I was going to do. Jesse’s presence was felt in the dream, he had a lighter mood about him and I think he was trying to get me to drink some gin in order to feel better.
I think these dreams highlight my financial anxiety. I am in a bit of credit debt, am a victim of ID theft, and I am hardly squeaking by with my part-time job at GNC. If something big were to happen like totaling another car I would be pretty much screwed especially because it wouldn’t be worth more than 1000 dollars. Luc and I are struggling to save money and cut back on the little luxuries we afford ourselves and it has me over-doing it a little and even scolding him for getting a soda at dinner last Saturday. We both desperately want to move out. Money is a sore deity.
I am starting classes this week for Drug & Alcohol Recovery Counseling. I am very happy and excited although this is just the long beginning to a long middle and an even longer end to this academic finish. I know I will enjoy every minute of it; it is just the cost that distresses me.
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