Let me remind myself

It all gets mixed up pretty easily, the problem is, the worse it is, the better I feel.


So my dad gave me this very seriously concerned heart to heart talk yesterday. His concerns were of the following:

• That I was going to join a hippie comune in Vermont
• Become a bum
• Live without health care and car insurance
• Live a dishonest layed back life style
• Get away with not working at all

What he was moslty concerned with was my attitude. He claims I am lacking serious life skills, and that in the peace corps I am almost gauretneed to get myself into some serious trouble. He tells me that him and my sister agree that I do not stress enough or at all about anything (everything) nor am I concerned enough with my future. I have no real plan B if the peace corps doesn't work out and that terrifys him the most.

He says he see's me on facebook going to vermont, camping, and exploring mountains and hiking in CT. He says this in a mocking tone, says this like im some kind of crazy person.

He tells me stories, stories of parents who let their kids become bums, drug addicts, "no-nothings", and says he is worried that I am going to "waste away" after just graduating with a 3.7 from college. He says I shouldn't be sleeping until 11am everyday, I should be up early, working, working hard and long. Him and my sister are worried, worried that my four hours at GNC a day is only enabling a "layed back" lifestyle that allows me to continue this "hippie attitude"

Like...what?

My sister looks at me like I am some weirdo too. She tells me I am straight up "weird" for wanting to travel to places like Montana and Portland Oregon for the culture and the land. She tells me I am "weird" in almost every conversation we have.

But everyday I like the person I am becoming more and more. Everyday I am more true to who I am. I let the influence of mass culture affect me less and less. I have stoped being adaptably pleasent according to the company I am in. I started being more real, with everyone. I have lost some connections in doing so, but it's okay, I've made the ones I have held on to deeper. The most important connection in my life that I have lost I hope it will become deeper after the hurt this change has caused passes. I use to try so hard to relate to everyone, anyone, any crowed, give him, her, or them a reason to be impressed with me, to like me and want to be around me. But I wasn't always being real. It was hard work too. I was so concerned with the presentation of me, I forgot about the true me underneath. I did this even with my family for years. I mean, I went to an in state college and joined a major my father suggested (and didnt change it even when I wanted to because he said no). If I had followed my own desire at the time I would have gone to college in New York City and majored in Exercise Science. But, I am greatful for the experiences I had these past years and I remember my sophmore year sitting on the curb outside of Stop n Shop chatting with Matt at 1 in the morning about my after college plans. I told him I'd move out of connecticut and he wouldn't even let me continue, I remember he told me "your dad wont let you go, you wont go anywhere, you're going to do exactly what he says for the rest of your life" and I looked at him and I said "after college I am free to do whatever I want" and at the time I had no idea that I'd be where I am today, but I must have had the taste in my mouth. Of course at the time I was also saying it for him and now the difference is, I am free, and doing it for me.

Life's next chapter

"The clock is ticking" the legs remind the heart "and you know very well their will be plenty of time for you later." The heart takes a moment to think and asks its mother and father, the ribs for advice: "Well now, hear the rest of the body out, maybe a negotiation can take place" The heart beats on the arms for their opinion, suspecting reluctanct to give up a lover's embrace. "Well, we've actually already discussed this, and we have agreed, somewhat, that we would like to hold something other than a man for once." Surprised by their responce the heart turns to the hips, surely they'd have something to say in regard. "We are actually quite annoyed to tell you the truth heart, everytime we get use to a particular movement it's a matter of a year two and it gets switched up on us again, it's all just fleeting and meaningless and to tell you the truth a break would be quite nice."The heart fuming with anger and confusion begins to pound, "what will become of me?" But its only a matter of minutes before the brain, the god of the body begins to speak: "Now heart, you must realize that you are the most important organ, without you this change will not be possible. Soon it will be the beauty of nature that makes you flutter, the adventure of the unknown, the embrace of those in need who you help, the wisdom and wonder you touch in raw humanity. Trust me heart, it will compare" The heart began to race "Okay, I am ready"