a personification poem

I come, swiftly out of the dark night
Greeted by organic life, sweating November rain
Pregnant with hallmark expectations
An apple pie latte purring in my hands
Driving to work, greeting customers, gardening my daily obligations
You, a crash interruption, an unlovely surprise
You, malignantly tripping my walking words,
I panic for an assertion
Yanking at any remnants of a self constitution
Mouth unopened, violent convictions unspoken
You, binging and purging on my bare breasts
You, voiding all my vindications
Abusing my soul until I am dry
Left to clinge to the devils arms
But without salvation from the penetrator
I retreat solomonly into the dark night once again

Suicide Note

This morning I woke up to the sound of my roommate Blossom purring. She is getting a lengthy massage by Dan, one of our masters. This is how every new day greets me, someone elses display of love and affection. I walk into the kitchen for some breakfast, surprise, surprise Blossom has already devoured our morning chow. Barbara our other master rushes on by "meow, meow" she kicks me in the gut, pushing me outside.

Growling stomach and the cold New England morning smacks me across the face. I pray on some birds crowded around the bird feeder but even with a set up this easy I am too slow, too uncunning, to stupid to catch any between these clumsy paws. Large and awkward, I am no scary predator, just another tree in the yard, the birds don't see me, they aren't scared. They just keep on pecking and filling their bellies.

Their is a dead mouse underneath the car, Blossom must have begun her hunting early this morning, I gobble it right up, only ever always tasting someone elses success. With something in my stomach I can sleep, I curl up right underneath Barbaras ford tire and hope for the worst. No luck when I wake up half a day later. The rotting mouse turning in my stomach, I throw up in the yard, and meow at the back door. Dan lets me in, Blossom squeezes out.

Dan trips over my tail, spills the hot tea kennel all over his foot and my body. He screams loud words that hurt my ears worse then the burn and kicks me hard, back outside. Blossom licking her paws in the porch snickers at my despair.

That is when I notice the garage is open. This ought to be fool proof. I stretch my body across the garage door, laying just below the sensor. I close my eyes and try to imagine what my mother might have been like. Strong and beautiful, licking my head, and stroking my fur. She purrs so loud inside my head it drowns out the sound of the garage door closing, she squeezes me so tight I die.

i want to eat toast, i eat the toast, then i am pissed i even wanted the toast

Connecticut winter is rolling in, its 48 degrees outside. I longed for the cold, I am glad it has arrived. I wanna shiver and cross my arms, I wanna see the energy of my breath in the air, my body longs to be hugged by cuddly sweaters. A kiss feels good in cold weather, its soothing and warming like hot chocolate. I will kiss all winter long.

I am not ever going to have kids. My whole life I lacked the desire to have them up until 3 years ago when I thought I cared about someone enough to reconsider. But it isn't about loving someone enough to have children, well sure that is part of it but what it really comes down to is common sense. Everything is getting worse in the world, the future looks dim. Why bring someone into the world with the guarantee that their life is not going to be any better than yours and in fact probably much more worse? The more I learn about the corruption lingering in every facet of life, in the government, my family, my friends, society, and the economy its enough to make me want to get my tubes tied. I learned quite recently from my biology of addiction class and also read it in my class book that the u.s. does trade with the Taliban for opioids (for pain medication and morphine) and it is their biggest export and we are the source of its greatest income and the direct reason they have the money and the power that they do to acquire resources and commit terrorism LIKE flying planes into our twin towers. Basically, we launched our own territory attack on ourselves. And yet we are also fighting against them in a war.

I am going to Vegas at the end of May with my old roommates from last year. It should be the scratch my itch desires. My adventure spirit is barking inside of me, it wants to be let out. It's a difficult transition from living in a house off campus with roommates and ample opportunities to commit chaos in the city of new haven to living in my mothers basement. I am happy and everything in my life is going quite well but something inside of me remains unsatisfied. It might be my youth tugging at my insides, telling me its too soon to sail smoothly through life. Their needs to be more risk taking, more ground to cover, more places to see, and people to meet. I am only 22. I also learned that the frontal lobe part of my brain has not fully developed until I reach 25 and that is the part of the brain responsible for rationalizing, risk evaluating, and making sound judgments. It explains why teenagers do the crazy reckless shit that they do, and college kids for that matter. So I have 3 more years to get away with doing crazy shit right? Better hop to it.

anxiety attack coupled with a despairty attack

I am not thinking well today, I am being sucked into this hellish state of anxiety and despair. Its one of those days where I really hate America, hate media, hate sheep. I cannot concentrate, cannot focus, cannot dangle a disillusion in front of myself to escape to. Some constructed reality where it is going to make sense to follow societys norms, reproduce, spend money, blow dry my hair, smile at idiots to fit in with the idiots, smile with the idiots, wait in line at the supermarket buy pork fed pork, chicken fed chicken, what if the universe was devouring people fed people, would it get dementia or mad cows disease? I am siting Carlos Castanedas bull crap here (The Teachings of Don Juan). Where our death is actually some entity's dinner. Lets plauge the universe and dine on eachother. The ultimate corruption.

I am not thinking well today, I have a list of tedious bull shit to get through. Oil change, making copies of my police report to resolve my identity theft, spending money on new work pants, purchase paper plates and napkins for my sisters baby shower, and phone calls to make for doctor and dentist appointments. I am being had! Cars could be made without the necessity of trimonthly oil changes, the fucken government could resolve my identity theft FOR ME, or the companies that claim I owe them money could suck one cause I dont actually, dress pants could be made with better quality so they do not fall apart in 6 months or could cost less than 50 fucken dollars, and my sis could decide to not give a shit about disposable paper plates with cartoon babies on them that are going to be covered with baked zitit and contribute to the destruction of our planet sitting in a landfill.

I probably wont do any of those things today

short story

At age 13 I was a full blown dike. To tell you the truth I was always a full blown dike, it was just not until my 13th birthday party that I actually had kissed a girl at a sleepover that everything started to make sense. The lack of interest in dolls as a child, the obsession with WWE, the boycott of the color pink and dresses, god I fucken hated dresses. So their I was on my 13th birthday locking lips with Cindy Clementine (her name was actually Camile Flemmings, but doesn't Cindy Clementine sound sweeter?) "practicing making out" for future boyfriends where I realized that I was a dike. Cindy wasn't, though I did get her to kiss me one more time after school on our walk home. I got her to do it by telling her I was suppose to kiss Jake Pelly later that night and I wanted to make sure I had the procedure nailed down. She even let our tongues linger together awhile, the good friend she was.

By high school I was all short black haircut, baggie shirts to my knees, taping my boobs down, scaring the hell outta my parents raging bull dike. I blended in with the goth kids who were gay, bisexual, drug addicted or lacking some other important social norm. Dillon my bestie was borderline schizophrenic, years later come to find out he put a bullet in his head. Sometimes when I get caught up in thinking about him I can't shake the feeling I coulda helped him. When we were sophomores he use to tell me his dog kept trying to kill him with his father's hand gun.

I never had a girlfriend, never committed myself to one special girl. I had brief flings with pretty faced fat girls behind gym bleachers or under my parents pool deck but I had never even gotten very far with a girl by the time I was 21. So I am walking into my first gay bar and hadn't logged much more than few hours groping tits. I was still a virgin by dike standards, and I remember feeling pretty self conscious about it. Here are all these beautiful homosexual ladies and I am twirling my straw around in my gin and tonic and wondering if when I take one of them home tonight if hers is gonna work like mine or what.

So I'm fingering my straw and all when it happens. A 6 foot tall flat chested brunette approaches me.
"What are you drinking?" She's all legs and I am terrified.
"Gin"
"I am buying you the next one" She's got a strong jaw to go along with that stunning confidence and I am swooning.
"Ready then" I gulp down the rest of my drink and smile with all of my teeth. How desperate must I look?
"Hey why don't we take a shot of 151 together and hit the dance floor upstairs?" Jesus christ their is a dance floor upstairs. I can't fucken dance.
"Sure, why not take two!" So she orders us two shots and then she's taking my hand and leading me up the stairs.
The alcohol rushes through my body and flows straight to my head. We are swaying to the music and her hands are running all over my hips. She grazes my butt a few times and I am beginning to sweat. This chick wants it and she doesn't even have any tits to grope, I am scared as shit.

After a few songs she takes my hand and leads me to the bathroom. I wonder if this is an attempt to be cute and take a girly trip to the bathroom together but before I can wonder much more she pushes me into a stall and starts violently kissing me. It takes me a moment or two but I begin to feed off of her passion and I begin groping her bare chest and plump ass. She begins to unbotton her pants and I start to feel my heart beating out of my chest. I look down and I watch as she takes her long erect penis out of her pants and begins to push my head down her waste. I suck her until she cums. She immediately vanishes upon finishing and I am left wetting my pants and wanting nothing more than to feel that long erect dick inside of me.